Facebook Diaries

Me on the moon. I have no other pictures to use for this post.

A few confessions:

• I love when people I know, but who I’m not Facebook friends with, forget to make their photo galleries private.
• I laugh at your misspellings.
• I text screenshots of your train wreck statuses to my friends who don’t even know you. Your baby daddy did what?!?
• I defriended a person for posting too many pictures of himself.
• Sometimes I lie and say “no” when someone asks me if I’ve seen something they’ve posted because I don’t want them to know I’m on Facebook for the unhealthy amount of time I’m actually on Facebook.
• I know that you’re insecure about your weight because all of your pictures from the last five years only show your kids and if you happen to be in a picture, there’s always something blocking 99% of your body.
• I spend entirely too long crafting my statuses. This is a running joke between me and Kris.
• I really hope someone was pooping while you were taking that stupid picture of your reflection in that dirty mirror of that public bathroom.
• Facebook is one of the first things I check in the morning.
• Your sleeping newborn is wearing a tuxedo and a top hat and is laying in a flower pot for an Anne Geddes-like photo shoot. But all I see is a beluga in a tuxedo and top hat laying in a flower pot. Because that’s what all newborns look like to me: belugas.
• I wanted to tell you how factually incorrect your political status was, but I bit my tongue.
• “Sometimes I just don’t know.” Suggestion: Perhaps you should think about it further and post something substantial and less vague at a later date.
• You’re lying. You have makeup on in that picture. #nomakeup
• Your toddler is doing the one-hand-on-the-hip pose. STOPPPPPIT.
• I defriended someone who complained all throughout her pregnancy about being fat. Did you not know what was going to happen?
• Regarding the seriously sad life event that happened to you which you turned into a status, I don’t want to “like” it, but I feel weird commenting on it, so I’ll just sit back and let others comment the sympathy I’m honestly feeling for you.
• You totally got fake boobs/nose job/etc. since high school.
• I hated when you checked into a hospital and didn’t respond to the 30 people [none of which were me because I don’t like to validate people who crave attention] who asked you why.

I take comfort in the fact that my Facebook friends make fun of me behind my back. Could I post ANY more pictures of my dogs?!?! Could Kris post ANY more pictures of us?!?! Will I ever stop making light of EVERYTHING?!?! Well of COURSE they can do fun things, they have no kids and don’t know what real responsibility is like. Will she EVER stop capitalizing specific words for emphasis?!?!

All this to say I’ve failed miserably on my 23rd goal — to be on Facebook less because all of the things I listed above are strangely some of the reasons I can’t stop it. I love it too much.

– Lyssa

2/5/14: To celebrate the fact that Facebook is ten years old and that I’ve been on it for the entire time (1//3 of my life!), I resurrected this old “Facebook Confessions” blog on Facebook instead of my Look Back video. It more accurately reflects my relationship with this devilish tool of distraction.